I haven’t been here in a while. To be honest when things aren’t going so well it’s usually quiet here. I’m struggling. My doctor had cautioned me about this. She said, “Kirsten, I am thankful you have your big family to help you get through this but I’m worried. Please take time, take care of yourself.” I appreciated her advice but I knew that they were going to get me through this grief. I was going to take care of them. I still had them.
The week following Thomas’s funeral I laid in my bed and felt like I wanted to die, the sorrow inside was intense and all I could do was cry. The week after that school was in full swing for the three older kids. I had clearance to drive and there was football and carpools and then our CC community started up and then ballet and well, I jumped right in because I was needed. I still had my moments at Mass or any quiet time at all so I just avoided the quiet and kept busy. I have a lot to keep me busy. But recently the busy-ness that I was so grateful for, that was going to help me heal is not working. I am starting to resent it. Not my large family, of course, but my running. I am running away and I know it. I am running away from the grief and it is winning. I know because if I let my mind go back to Thomas at all, I lose it. I can not out run it.
I have been feeling empty. I have been hearing our Lord say to me “What are you running from? You need to run to Me!” I hear Him and I know I need to run to Him and jump in His arms and face this grief with Him. Of course!
I am hesitant to share all of this with the world wide web. For one, I have been keeping on a happy face to keep this suffering between me and Jesus, as a way to offer it up. The second reason is I know a lot of people googling “encephalocele” somehow end up here on this little blog and I don’t want anyone to feel discouraged about carrying a baby with a terminal diagnosis. I would not do anything differently. Thomas has been one of the biggest blessings in my life!!! But I haven’t told you the whole beautiful story if I don’t walk through this.
I am so blessed to have a wonderful, supportive, loving, understanding, (I could go on) husband. Oh, how I love that man. He has been there for me in a big way. We have been there for each other, but there comes a time when you have to get on your knees and work it out between yourself and your God. I haven’t done that yet. I need to cry and grieve and find peace. And to be brutally honest I’m not quite sure how. I’m not quite sure what to do with all of this emotion.
Enter Lent. I am thankful for this Lent. I am looking forward to the quiet. We signed up for Adoration and I am trying to find some of my Lenten devotionals. I have looked and looked and can’t find them anywhere sooooo, If you feel like sending up a prayer for me so that I can find them that would be awesome. Thank you for visiting this little corner and reading what I have to say and praying for us as I know you do. I am humbled.