Thomas Joseph. It is the name of his grandfathers. Most specifically the name of his Pa-pu, Terry's Dad, who is no longer with us. He is starting to move around a lot. This started about two days ago. It makes me smile. He is not as active as my other babies. I felt the other other babies much earlier. But, I feel him moving and that is all that matters.
These have not been easy times. I don't expect them to be. I was crying last Sunday at Mass. I am not feeling the joy of the Resurrection, and that in itself makes me very sad. I am still carrying my cross. I am still suffering. I know His Resurrection makes it possible so that I may be with Thomas someday, and hold him in my arms. For that I am so thankful.
I have been preparing for a consecration to the Blessed Mother. I am reading the book 33 Days to Morning Glory by Michael E. Gaitley MIC. This book has been such a comfort to me. Blessed Mother Theresa had this to say about suffering:
Suffering has to come because if you look at the cross, he has got his head bending down-he wants to kiss you- and he has both hands open wide-he wants to embrace you. He has his heart opened wide to receive you. Then when you feel miserable inside, look at the cross and you will know what is happening. Suffering, pain, sorrow, humiliation, feelings of loneliness, are nothing but the kiss of Jesus, a sign that you have come so close that he can kiss you. Do you understand brothers, sisters, or whoever you may be? Suffering, pain, humiliation-this is the kiss of Jesus. At times you come so close to Jesus on the cross that he can kiss you. I once told this to a lady who was suffering very much. She answered, "Tell Jesus not to kiss me -- to stop kissing me." That suffering has to come that came in the life of Our Lady, that came in the life of Jesus -- it has to come in our life also. Only never put on a long face. Suffering is a gift from God. It is between you and Jesus alone inside. ~from 33 Days to Morning Glory.
Suffering. We all go through it. It is necessary. Sometimes, like the lady that Mother Theresa is talking to I just want to say "Really Lord, you can stop now." However, I know I am growing closer and closer to Jesus. To sweetly embrace the cross...I know there will be Glory in all of this someday. I will feel the joy of the Resurrection.
My dear friend handed me this note in Church on Good Friday. These thoughts came to her in prayer.
Dear Kirsten, You are the baby's tabernacle-adorn yourself in glory and honor of this life in you. His life has meaning and purpose.
I have been meditating and praying on this note. Indeed, his life does have purpose and meaning... however long that life is. So many people pulling together to pray, he is touching lives. And speaking of touching lives, could you pray for my Maternal-Fetal doctor (not my OB) and the genetic counselor? I am praying for there conversion. Both times we have been in there they have asked us about terminating. Even after seeing Thomas moving around on the ultrasound and seeing him touching his hands to his face, they ask. Lord have mercy.