It feels like yesterday, yet it feels like a lifetime ago. I went to Mass this morning. During the consecration I imagined my Thomas at the heavenly banquet. I felt him there, at the altar, even though I couldn’t see him. The Holy sacrifice of the Mass, when heaven meets earth. Where all of the Saints and Angels praise our dear Jesus Christ. This is now my bond with my baby.
This year has been tough. To be honest I have been anxious about this 1 year birthday and reliving it all. My mind goes to the day he was born, the joy we felt to see him and hold him and kiss him and then knowing we were soon going to have to say goodbye. The days following when my milk came in and I didn’t have my baby to nurse, that was one of the hardest things. I love to nurse my babies. I feel it is such a privilege that we as mothers are given. When I couldn’t do that it made the sting of him not being here all the more painful. Gosh, it was all just so hard. At times I felt like I just wanted to die.
But, you know what else came with the pain? Peace. I felt an overwhelming peace, an unshakeable peace, because I knew we were doing God’s will. Carrying Thomas, giving life to him, was right where God wanted us. It was one of those times where I pictured our heavenly Father looking down and smiling and saying “Well done good and faithful servant.” That was what got us through and continues to get us through.
I’ve gone easy on myself today. I’ve gotten so many wonderful texts of friends telling me they're thinking of us and praying for us. Those prayers mean so much. We are going to have a nice dinner together and have cake and sing “Happy Birthday”. We are also going to release some balloons. Tomorrow, the anniversary of his death, we will visit the cemetery, light some candles, and give our little saint some intentions to pray for.
My sweet baby boy, happy birthday. We love you and miss you. You have blessed us so much with your sweet presence in our lives. We are forever changed.